An interview with Bobby Beacon

Guy interviews an annoyed Bobby the Beacon. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff.

Bobby Beacon, everybody's favorite anthropomorphic lighthouse, and the legendary mascot of UMass Boston, is a figure that needs no introduction, due to his massive popularity and fan following. Despite this, his past and personal affairs remain shrouded in a veil of thick blue mist. The Mass Media has been able to grab hold of Bobby amidst his busy schedule for a brief interview. 

Joseph DiPersio: It’s no secret that over the years, you’ve become quite the celebrity here on campus. What is it like having that kind of influence?

Robert B. Beacon: What can I say? Seeing my face on people's shirts, my body plastered on notebooks, paparazzi hounding me 'round the clock; I guess it’s all pretty great. I mean, I make a lot of money off of that merchandise, so there’s that. 

JD: A Lot of students, including myself, have been curious about your upbringing. Tell me Bobby, did you have a good childhood? 

RBB: No. 

JD: Do you care to elaborate? 

RBB: Do I have to?

JD: I would like you to. 

RBB: Fine. My father was a dishwasher, kind of like in that movie "Robots" with Ewan McGregor and Mel Brooks, but my dad wasn’t a robot, he was a human with flesh and blood and a pancreas and all that jazz. Now my mother on the other hand, she was a lighthouse, so make of that as you will.  

JD: What made you want to work in the mascot industry?

RBB: Oh, I fell into this job. When I was younger there weren’t many opportunities for a guy like me. I didn’t want to do the whole lighthouse thing, cause I thought that would be too obvious, so I took an interest in the prison system. I wanted to be one of those watchtowers that shines the light on prisoners at night trying to escape. Anyways, I heard about this new prison being built in Boston, so I showed up at what I thought was a prison and interviewed with some guy who ended up telling me, “Oh Bobby, you got some good interpersonal skills. We could really use a guy like you around here to boost the morale of the students!”

 “Students?” I said. Then he told me it wasn’t a prison but a university for education! Talk about awkward, but here we are, 60 something odd years later. 

JD: How would you describe yourself to people who might not know you?

RBB: I would define myself as a Lovecraftian horror that transcends the rigid structures of logic and reality that many find the need to bind themselves to. The kind of monstrosity that would make you tremble alone in the dark corner of some empty void of a room, asking yourself over and over again: “Why?” The kind of cosmic anomaly that defies understanding. One look into my eyes will unravel the very fabric of your mind and send you into a state of manic confusion. That’s also my Tinder bio. 

JD: Are there any final words you’d like to impart on the readers?

RBB: In Wheatley there’s a staircase. At the bottom of the staircase is a door. Above the door is a sign that reads, “Exit.” On the door it is written, “Boiler room, Do not enter.” One of those is a lie.             

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