Let me just start by saying that I love babies. They’re great! I think that babies are really cute and fun, and I always enjoy spending time with them. But … that’s not to say that they can’t be improved. Babies are fantastic, however, like too many things in this world, imperfect; and I’m here to tell you about one manner in which I feel they could become even better!

Babies should be born with more skin. There, I said it. I know you’re probably confused, perplexed, maybe even a little outraged, but please, hear me out:

Imagine a baby. Cute, right? Well, now imagine that same baby with a little more skin. Now a bit more. A lot more skin. I think that babies should be born with all the skin that they will have as adults, which they will have to grow in to. Yes. I am saying that the supple, tight skinned creatures we all know and love ought to become gross flesh-bags holding together a jumble of organs and bones.

I know that this may not sound like the most appealing proposition, but really all humans sound unappealing when one considers what lurks under their skin. What I want you to focus on here is just how magical it would be if when we looked at babies we saw such skin-puddles, babbling in some esoteric baby-talk, barely able to lift their arms under the weight of it all. They’d be like Cousin Itt, but with skin instead of fur.

Now I know what you’re thinking. How would that work? Would the babies just be loose inside their skin? No! of course not! these superbly-skinned babies would be attached to their skin at the eyes, nose, mouth, ears, scalp, fingernails, toenails, genitalia, anus, nipples and bellybutton. Of course, this would mean that human beings would have to have significantly less body-hair, but that is okay because we have clothing now and such hair is irrelevant for generating warmth.

Next, you’re thinking, “How would children ever learn to walk when they’re weighed down by so much skin.?” To that I ask, “How did Jabba the Hut learn to walk on the two little feet concealed by his slug body.” I don’t know how exactly, but it is clearly possible.

Well, before I conclude, I guess I should address the elephant in the room: birth. I have shared this opinion of mine with both of my friends (who happen to be female), and they said that such a creature would be weird to give birth to. And I get it—to the degree that any man can ‘get’ birth. But here’s the thing that I think the women afraid to give birth to skin-bag babies need to understand: God. If babies were born with more skin, it would be of God’s doing. If God were to make it so that babies had a good amount of skin all of a sudden, he would doubtless simultaneously alter the womb, birth canal and vagina, making it possible for women to give birth to the kind of baby I see in my dreams.

So as you can understand, my opinion is beyond besmirching. You must accept that babies are born with too little skin. Their skins fit their bodies too well. Please, everyone who reads this, go out and start a petition, and together we will give babies the amount of skin which they truly deserve.

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