Bobby Beacon sues Kansas Salty Watchtowers in copyright lawsuit

A Salty Watchtower struggles as he sinks during the school’s kayak floating contest. Bobby please don’t look at this unless you’ve taken your medication.

Bobby Beacon almost popped his tin lid last weekend when he realized a small college in Kansas also has our ferocious, faithful and fearless mascot—the flood-prone house. I mean the lighthouse. Kansas Oceanside College, located on a small fishless pond, has been home to the Kansas Salty Watchtowers for 49 years, one year longer than UMass Boston’s own Beacon reign. 

This news has Bobby in quite an unhinged state. He’s been seen zigzagging through the halls, clutching students’ shoulders and slowly whispering, “I’ll fix it,” with a misty glaze in his eyes. Therapy dogs have been called in several times to get him to release logo-studded cheerleaders and Honors College nursing majors from well-intended bear hugs. Children are scared.

“We should be the only onesss[hiccup]sss,” Bobby choked out in an interview later that day. 

Upon further prompting, Bobby expressed that he feels the need to defend our mascot. He believes a mascot so precious and valiant should exist only to represent us—the true sandy crayons. I mean lighthouses. 

“I will defend our honor. I will strike down the Salty Watchtower. I will RECLAIM what it means to be A BEACON. WHO’S WITH ME?!” screeched Bobby to an empty auditorium in Wheatley. At their weekly rehearsal two hours later, the dance team wondered why there were damp salt crystals on the stage—from his tears, unopened boxes of confetti launchers—stolen from the marketing office, and a concerning map of Kansas Oceanside pinpointing all entrances and exits—this is being looked into. 

The Salty Watchtowers, on the other hand, have known about the Beacons for years and remained peacefully unbothered. One student, Kevin Overboard, shared that he did a class project on Bobby two years ago. 

“I think it’s cool that you guys see lighthouses as a sign of safety and home-coming. I liked the story you made up about them guiding ships to land,” said Overboard. 

“They didn’t make that up, Kevin!” his mom yelled from the background of the Zoom call, “That’s what lighthouses are for. God, you’re going to make Kansas sound so stupid.” 

Kansas Oceanside College is home to eight students. The pond on campus is five feet deep, and their mascot—Salty Sally—hosts rigorous knee-high wading races and stressful kayak floating contests. Upon hearing this, our own Bobby fell to the floor with uncontrollable convulsions, muttering “Can’t…claim…name…umphh…lake life…lame.”   

Bobby feels the Salty Watchtowers are a disgrace to lighthouse culture and plans to move forward with the fullest extent of the law. He has decided to sue for copyright infringement and is currently collecting Beacon signatures in a petition to shut Kansas Oceanside down completely. 

Kansas Oceanside primarily serves poor communities and often hosts cookouts for the homeless. Their school is the only one open in nearly 60 square miles of farmland. However, they are not concerned with the threat of closure, as education for them is “mostly a hobby.”

If you would like to sign Bobby’s petition, you can knock three times—wherever it feels right—on one of his cardboard cutouts around campus. If he does not suddenly animate and break into sudden dance, the petition has been successfully signed. If he does, please call the therapy dogs immediately. Go steroid candles! I mean lighthouses. I mean Beacons.

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