Getting a COVID test

Illustration of COVID-19 testing site.

Getting a COVID-19 test may be the most exciting thing you do all month! I highly recommend it. Some people are intimidated by the idea, but you really shouldn’t be. It’s very simple…

First you have to look online for a testing place with available time slots. This will be an extremely difficult, frustrating, and trying process, so I suggest drinking tea to stay calm. In Boston especially (and this close to the Holidays), it is almost impossible to get a test done when you want one. Keep your expectations for an easy process low, and then lower them further… and then a bit further. There you go! Now your expectations are only slightly too high

Make sure you have enough time to go to several different places. It won’t seem like you need to, but a lot of the places will randomly cancel your appointment, or say they are out of time for the day, or simply lock their doors an hour or two early. It’s best to plan ahead for this, to avoid crashing your car out of frustration. 

Planning to go to a COVID drive-thru testing system is always a safe bet, because you get to stay in your warm car the whole time. However, you probably won’t get this option, so just forget I said anything.

Once you are at last at a testing site and definitely going to get a test, relax, and smile! You have made it so far, and you should be proud of yourself. Now, it is time for the fun part. The healthcare workers will ask you a lot of questions. I mean A LOT. Many of the questions will have nothing to do with COVID-19, and you will wonder why they would possibly need to know the answers to these questions. Don’t bother wondering, just answer the questions. Confused as to why they need to know all about your favorite food and your Aunt’s seasonal allergies in order to test you for the coronavirus? Don’t worry about it.

Now, for the most exciting part: the test itself! They will stick something up each of your nostrils, tickle your brain, reach down your throat, pull out your lungs, jump on the lungs a bit to make sure they are nice and strong, and then give you a swift punch to the stomach. This part may be a tad uncomfortable, but it is all completely necessary, so do not complain. 

Now, you’re done! Good job, be proud of yourself! That was fun after all, was it not? Now, all you have to do is sit back and wait for your results. The results could take anywhere from five seconds to eleven months to get back to you, so I wouldn’t worry too much about checking very often. The timing is extremely arbitrary, and the internet is an illusion, as we all know. I will limit you to five checks per minute, but that is all. 

On a serious note (really)... getting tested for coronavirus is a great and responsible thing to do, and I am very grateful that I have the opportunity to do so. 

On a less serious note (really)... don’t be concerned if they pull out your brain through your nose. That’s a standard, normal part of the testing process. 

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