Floor Is Lava

A group of friends play the floor is lava. Illustration by Bianca Oppedisano (She/Her) / Mass Media Staff. 

Whether it’s from an upcoming exam, the perils of your daily commute or the constant worry that you won’t have enough money to pay for the third cup of coffee of the day, being a college student comes with a lot of stress. There’s no better remedy to the college blues than by engaging with your fellow peers over shared passions and interests. I’m talking about joining clubs, and lucky for you, there’s a whole slew of new clubs and groups for you to settle down in. So, without further ado:  

Spud Club: Do you know the differences between an Idaho potato and a Maine potato? How many potatoes can you fit in your mouth at once? If you answered, “that depends on the type of potato,” then this is the club for you! They meet every Monday at 5 p.m. to discuss, enjoy and debate all things potato.

Lava on the Floor Club: Remember when you were a kid and life didn’t suck? Do you remember the thrill of jumping around the house on furniture, trying to keep off the floor because, for some inexplicable reason, it’s lava now? Well, take a fresh breath of nostalgia with UMass Boston’s Lava on the Floor Club! They even made it to the national championship competition last year so there’s even more incentive to join. 

Waterboarding Club: I kept asking them to clarify that it’s actually “wakeboarding,” but they were insistent that it was not. Despite this, enjoy the fresh ocean air of Boston Harbor as you blast over the waves on a surfboard. It’s literally wakeboarding.  

Robots Club: A lot of people have this crazy misconception that this is a "robotics" club, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Think less "battle bots" and more "2005 animated film by Blue Sky Studios." Yes, I am talking about the "Rodney Copperbottom" variety of robots. Meet every Friday night to watch and discuss the movie, “Robots.” 

The We Drink Harbor Water Club: This group is obsessed with endurance. Do you have what it takes to force cup after cup of unfiltered Boston Harbor water down your gullet? Why do they do this? No one knows, but they meet out on the dock every Tuesday morning. Not for the faint of heart or stomach.      

Toot Night: A club for horn enthusiasts of all kinds. If you love tubas, trumpets, trombones, French horns, foghorns, leghorns and all things that go “toot-toot,” then this is the club for you. They meet every Thursday night in University Hall, and you better come ready and willing to toot your own horn.

Oodii Boodii Club: Founded by the ancient Roman philosopher, Publius, in 389 BCE, the Ooddii Boodii are a religious and political organization that believe in the three A’s: animal rights, accountability and eating something that I dare not disclose. They follow the teachings of the giant sky-cat, Bubadeck, and they meet on Tuesday afternoons: BYOPBring your own pumpkin.

The UMass Boston Bumper’s Club: What’s a “bumper” you ask? A bumper is anything that goes bump in the night! Whether you be a vampire, werewolf, zombie, ghost, ghoul, mummy, garden gnome, fairy, Nicolas Cage or even a Frankenstein: The UMass Boston Bumper’s Club welcomes you with open arms—or should I say claws! Enjoy bumping around campus at night under the cover of moonlight, playing tricks on helpless passersby. There’s also a monthly karaoke night. 

Twister Club: They meet every Monday night at 11 p.m. on the fourth level of the parking garage to play the classic party game, “Twister.” As of now, there is only one member of the club and they’re “eagerly anticipating new playmates,” whatever that means. I wouldn’t touch this club with a ten-foot pole if I were you, but if twisting and shouting is your thing, then by all means, twist away! 

Watermelon Workout Club: Is your usual workout routine not cutting it? Well, try throwing watermelons around. Nothing works your glutes better than throwing a watermelon into the air as high as possible and catching it using only your thighs. People say it isn’t possible; be the first to prove them wrong! Friday nights in the Beacon Fitness Center.   

With so many amazing clubs to choose from, it may be hard to know which one is right for you. I say, give them all a try! If you show up to one club and everybody hates you, you can always leave, throw your personality in the trash and come back with a fake mustache and new identity. 

For more information regarding these clubs, send all inquiries to alltheseclubsarefake@gmail.com.  

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