A new semester is dawning, and with new semesters come new possibilities of flirtations, relationships, and hell, you might just become a parent! My advice is to hop on Tinder, the ideal destination to find pro-procreation individuals.
If you’re on Tinder simply for the sake of having children, which we all know is every college student’s goal, you want to find a person whose Tinder profile says something along the lines of “Just here to have fun!” or “Not looking for anything serious,” because it’s just children you’re after—you don’t want to get married. People with this Tinder profile tend to be after the unifying goal of all young adults: having lots of children. Face it, you think romance is dead anyway.
Be careful when you’re browsing through the Tinder profiles. Make sure to swipe right on the guy who is holding a fish out, because it’s important to feed your family, after all. Swipe right on the guy with many casual female friends, because they are definitely very interested in having babies. Make sure to avoid the girls whose profiles say “looking for something serious,” because you don’t have time to indulge in the whims of love; you’re here to have lots and lots of children. You should also avoid the overly-sensitive musicians (you can usually identify them with a guitar in hand and puppy-dog eyes), because these people tend to make babies who cry a lot. If you find a person who’s holding a bunny, even better! Everyone knows bunny-lovers are very invested in having lots and lots of children.
When you swipe right on the perfect candidate, make sure to send them this text: “babies?” and if you did your research right, the answer will definitely be “yes.” Any other answer is a red flag, and indicates that they should definitely not be on Tinder. Try not to text so much, because both of you aren’t here for small talk; you’re here to procreate for lots of children.
At your primary interview—because it is NOT a date—size up the father or mother of your future children. Try to see if they have some good genetic stock, because you want to make sure your kids are born with perfectly symmetrical faces and good genes. You may want to secretly snag a sample of DNA—but that’s more of a second interview type thing.
At the second interview, if you missed your opportunity to pluck a piece of hair or take a swab of their saliva, drawing a family tree together with each of your genetic histories will definitely get the job done. The activity is very wholesome and incredibly important to procreation; you need to know if their Uncle Jerry was color-blind, because the genes may pass onto your children. And you want to have lots and lots of children—preferably ones that aren’t color-blind.
At the third interview, it is a good idea to bring a copy of "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Harvey Karp, which is the best parenting book out there, and take turns reading it aloud. I would particularly recommend the section on crying babies, because you need to know when to hand the screaming child to someone else.
When you do have the baby, be sure to keep the relationship with the father or mother strictly professional. You’re here to raise a baby—not catch feelings. If the child turns out okay—you’ll know by how often they cry or which private schools they get into—you can continue having lots and lots of children with the same person. But in my personal opinion, hopping back on Tinder to find a new candidate will diversify the gene pool you leave in the world, so having lots of children with multiple partners is in your best interest—make Charles Darwin proud.