Wednesday, April 30—It’s official: The University of Massachusetts Boston is no more. Just a week after the sale of UMass Boston’s dining hall, Interim Chancellor Katherine Newman, UMass System President Marty Meehan and UMass Amherst’s Chancellor Kumble Subbaswamy reconvened to sign a contract officially handing over the entirety of the UMass Boston campus to UMass Amherst, effectively eliminating UMass Boston’s debt and relieving Chancellor Newman of her position.

“I’m free!” Newman screamed, pumping her fists and leaping up and down with glee, as Subbaswamy’s pen flitted across the page. Meehan and Subbaswamy watched in amazement as Newman shoved a photographer out of the way, sprinted out of her office and skipped down the hall way. “Is she coming back?” asked Subbaswamy. “I need her to validate my parking.”

Though details of the contract are still unknown, rumors abound regarding the fate of current UMass Boston students. The lack of communication between UMass Boston administrators and students has led to the circulation of some truly outrageous theories. “I’ve heard they’re going to sell us to the Amherst students as pets. It’s a real ‘Dangerous Game’ situation,” said sophomore Mason Carlyle. His friend, sophomore Joey Lawson, quickly interjected. “No, no. It’s more of a ‘Hunger Games’ deal. They’re going to lock us all in Wheatley and the last 10 left alive will be allowed to attend the new school. It’s true. All of that construction on the second floor? That’s where they’re building the holding cages.”

Danielle Danson, a senior who had been set to graduate this May, seemed numb to the news of the sale. “I guess I don’t have to pay the $200 to graduate on the front lawn. That’s something,” Danson murmured as she attempted to push open a pull door. “Oh, look at the time. I’d better get to class. Got to keep up that 4.0.” Despite the clear ‘pull’ label, Danson continued to push against the door until this reporter felt the need to intervene.

Hedda Gabler, an 83-year-old professor in the theater department, believes students should simply try to make the most of the situation. “The way I see it, it isn’t stealing if the school doesn’t exist,” said Gabler as she pulled a projector off the ceiling of a classroom in University Hall. Gabler carefully climbed down from the desk she stood on to reach the projector as she continued, “Now if you’ll excuse me, there are several flat screens in Healey with my name on them.”

Optimistic as ever, Meehan is already spit-balling names for the new school he intends to build in UMass Boston’s place. “Should we call it the Boston satellite campus? If we can successfully turn this crumbling pile of dirt and rubble into a full university, we could call it UMass Dorchester. UMD has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” said Meehan.

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