It’s been a tough year, but don’t give up now! Hold on, strap in, secure your seatbelts—and prepare for the end of 2020. You only have to get through two more months, and then life will go back to being absolutely perfect, as it was in 2019. Yes, you heard that right. The new year, this time around, is more than just a holiday—it’s a total reset. 2020 was a disaster, but 2021 will be utter perfection. What are my sources, you ask? How do I know this, you ask? What’s wrong with me, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you the answers to those questions, in order: none, intuition, and that’s rude!
So, how do we survive the last two months of 2020? Well, first of all, let me tell you that you are doing wonderfully. Yes, you have dyed your hair neon green and shaved it into the shape of a cactus, but it looks great! And yes, you did have a small mental breakdown on Election Day and bought ... staggering amounts of mini marshmallows, but I’m sure those will come in handy for the next ten years or so! The point is—you’re getting by!
I will admit I was surprised when I visited you the other day and half your carpet was torn off of your floors. You were mumbling something about “restoring the beautiful hardwood flooring,” but you have no hardwood flooring? I just left you to it.
I know the election was difficult for you … I’m pretty sure you didn’t sleep for three days. Once, I called you at midnight and I could barely understand you over the sound of your intensive chewing. You said to me: “Food is sleep! Same thing!” Then you made a sort of grunting sound and hung up. I’ll confess, I was worried. But now that the results have come out it, seems like you’re doing much better! You’ve painted your house, and adopted what you call a “paleo sleep cycle.” I don’t know what that means—but I think it’s a good sign! You’re making changes, creating new hobbies. You told me you’re trying the “no shampoo” method. I’m a bit cautious of the smell, but I’m happy for you.
We’re nearing the end of this year, and you’re doing just great. You may not feel like you are, but I know. I’m your unofficial guardian. Your mother is paying me a few hundred dollars a week to watch over you. She’s concerned, but I’m not. I know, just by looking through your living room window last night, that you are catching up on your reading! Perhaps it was obsessively skimming WebMD, but it still counts in my book!
I don’t want you to worry about the rest of 2020. I promise you, it will fly by. Think of all the things you have to look forward to! A transition of power, winter, protests, exams … you know what—never mind. Fixating on the future never did anyone much good. Let’s just focus on the here and now, hmm? Eat your cereal. Take a walk to a brand new place. No, farther than the mailbox. Take a shower ... and maybe just use a little shampoo? No? Alright. Believe me, this year is almost over and 2021 is going to be great. It’s going to be perfection.