University of Massachusetts Boston officials have confirmed that Alan Greer, freshman, who was reported missing four days ago, has been found.
Officer Jim Halpert, the lead investigator, revealed that the scared freshman was found within the crevices of the dreaded Wheatley Hall building and had defecated in his pants.
“He looked dehydrated, exhausted and totally worn out. ... This building defeated him,” said Detective Halpert.
Although the prior consensus was that Greer had been kidnapped, the victim revealed that he’d simply gotten lost while looking for his 9 a.m. philosophy class.
“I was walking around, looking at my class schedule, trying to get to room 2-0125G3452 on the second floor,” Greer said from his hospital bed.
“I was pretty late, so I was in a rush. Then, suddenly, I found myself in what looked to me like a concrete maze right out of a video game," the student said of his nightmare experience.
Many freshmen have reported similar stories of misdirection in Wheatley and of pants-ruining fear, but none quite as serious as this case.
“After my second full day of being lost in that maze from hell, I gave up hope. I was too hungry to function,” the freshman said. “I lost track of time. I started hearing voices."
Greer then went on to say that if he were to choose where to get lost and die in UMass Boston, he’d go with McCormack Hall. “There’s WiFi there, and very few self-important bio majors.”
“Now, every time I see a maze of some sort, I get panicky and jumpy. I can never walk into Wheatley again," Greer said.
The university is taking the matter seriously, as evidenced by the fact that the school recently opened a center for sufferers of what is known as Wheatley Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
The WPTSD Center is located in Wheatley, room 35^5%. As of press time, Mass Media reporters are unable to locate the room.
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